dating.

I've been wanting to write about this subject for the past few weeks. Since my initial Crohn's diagnosis, in April 2011, I have yet to have a serious relationship. From the time I was 14, throughout college, I was the girl that always had a boyfriend. In my senior year of college, I had met and started to date a guy who I thought was "the one". We had talked marriage, and were planning for our future together. We had gotten a lab puppy together, and things were pretty decent.

Unfortunately, after moving in with him, I started to realize that he was a completely different person, that the past year of our relationship was more or less a charade. Part of me believes that the stress during the period (December 2010ish), and our volatile breakup had brought about my Crohn's or at least brought upon my first flare up which led to my diagnosis four months later.

The past few years have been difficult, trying to finish my Master's, working full time, and trying to keep my health under control. The first two years I was adamant about not dating, primarily because I had never been single for a decent amount of time before, and secondly, because I was determined to not to get distracted. Another year passed, and though I went on a hand full of dates, nothing ever worked out.

At this point, I feel like I'm in a crappy situation. Part of me wishes I had someone to be there for me throughout the past few months. I want someone to be able to vent to, to be apart of my support system, to pick me up when I fall down, and to hold me, when I can't hold myself together. I realize this is fully selfish though. I look at myself, and I know I would not be able to be a decent girlfriend at this time, or hell, even a decent friend. I cannot guarantee that I could be there for someone in times of need. Right now, living day to day. I feel like I cannot plan, and cannot think ahead. Instead of planning ahead, I'm focused on getting out of bed each morning. I'm focused on being able to stomach breakfast, and what could I make for lunch that would be safe. I'm focused on making it to the bathroom, hoping to God I don't have an accident before I make it in to work. It takes so much energy just to survive, that even thinking about living is draining.

How would this be fair to another person? It's not. I often get told that I'm in the prime of my life, that if I don't meet someone now, I never will, and that I will be single forever. At this point, I can't focus on that. I need to focus on getting and staying healthy, to survive this next year of aggressive treatment, even if it is alone. Would I love to have someone to come home to at night? To sit with me on my bad days, to take care of me? Absolutely, but I realize at the same time, those are not the reasons to start a relationship/get involved with someone for the sake of being with someone.

This has been one of the most difficult posts to write. I am so torn.