How are you?

I feel like a monster. Mentally the past couple of weeks have taken a toll on me. I am so incredibly tired of people asking how I am, and how I am feeling. I am sick of having to lie, or even worse, my most common reply, “hanging in there”. I want to say I feel like f-ing crap. I want to say, I feel lonely, I feel agitated and frustrated. I want to say I feel pissed as shit today.

I’m tired of going into work with a smile on my face every day, pretending to hold on to some semblance of normality. I am also beyond tired of hearing- “You poor thing”, “You’re so young!”, “It’s so sad”. One of my absolute favorites is “Haven’t you’ve been through enough?”

I get that I should be thankful that people genuinely care and are concerned. I am just so frustrated. I am frustrated because, yes, I am young. Yes, I had a traumatic brain injury ten years ago, was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease two years ago, and now diagnosed with Autoimmune Hepatitis. Yes, it is sad, because my health has been ripped away from me, my foundation crumbling, while I should be enjoying life. Instead I am worried about next week’s blood work. I am worried that I have run out of treatment options for my Crohn’s, and that my body is no longer responding to medication. I am worried that I may never be able to have children.  I am worried that within ten years, there is a strong likelihood I will need a liver transplant. I am worried because my joints are already damaged from chronic inflammation, and I am only 25. With all these worries, it is hard to just answer “I am okay.”

With the feeling of worry, also comes the feeling of being pissed. Why should I be worrying about things only those in their 70s worry about? Why should I have more worries about my body than my grandparents in their 80s do? I am pissed as shit that my hepatitis and scaring of my liver is worse than those people who have been alcoholics for fifty years, or those that have viral hepatitis from engaging in high risk activities. I ran half marathons, ate paleo, and totally organic. I indulged in the occasional bottle of wine, but never used an illicit drug. Being a public health fanatic, I have always had safe, protected sex. How fair is it that my liver is in worse shape than many people who have Hepatitis C or Hepatitis B or were raging alcoholics for decades? How is it fair that crack addicts and heroin junkies have less health issues than I do? I have worked my ass off to stay healthy, and to live a productive life, yet at this point, I can’t seem to help myself.

I haven’t figured out the right answer to “How are you?” I may never. For now though, I am going to be honest. If others cannot handle my response, or it makes them feel uncomfortable, so be it.