Normalcy

Just hit 3 full months on prednisone. Have a minimum of 3 more months on it, and that's only if my LFTs stabilize. It will much likely be longer than that. I'm slowly starting to see the full effects of my total immunosuppression. Cuts, scrapes, blisters, all take so much longer to heal. I used to heal wonderfully, with few scars. Now, my body is riddled with small scars, from what previously would of healed perfectly in a couple of days.

I've gained ten pounds. I'm in amazement that even with maintaining 10mg of prednisone, I have only gained ten pounds. While I'm trying my best to keep the weight gain at a minimum, I'm happy that so far, so good. It is a constant uphill battle with prednisone, to keep the weight off. Previously, and again in this round, much of it is water weight. I feel so puffy and bloated.

The scary part of this new normal, is that I've yet to hit true remission. I had bloodwork done last week, and will be getting the results Wednesday. As of two weeks ago, my LFTs were still climbing, even with being on the maximum dose of azathioprine, and 10mgs of prednisone. I think a part of me is afraid of the long term implications. I hate that there is no end in sight of being on the prednisone. I'm worried about my bone health, and well overall health stemming from long term use. I'm anxious to see why my blood counts are at, with my previous blood work showing substantially lower than average white blood cell counts.

I want remission. I know I will never be med free in my life, (unless they find a cure), but I want to reach a point where I don't have to worry about bone loss. Where I don't have to worry about getting sick constantly, where I can start to think about getting pregnant, where I am not on three different types of drugs that all independently shut down my body's immune response, not to mention being on three at the same time.

This new normal, while slowly getting to be familiar, is not okay. I'm not content. I hate feeling so run down physically that I barely have time or energy to eat dinner when I get home from work. I hate how I feel, and am scared to death of the long term effects of these medications on my body. The fear alone is more than enough to hate this new normal.