Stage 3: Bargaining.

I've officially hit the 3rd stage of grief, bargaining. I've caught myself doing this for the past week or so.

Bargaining the "third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow undo or avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Other times, they will use anything valuable as a bargaining chip against another human agency to extend or prolong the life they live. "

I often say hey, it sucks, but at least I have great insurance, or at least I have a great job. I find myself saying and thinking about bargaining multiple times a day. I have a minor in psychology, and have taken numerous psych courses, but it still surprises me how innate the stages of grief really are. They unfold without cognition, without thought, and often without plan. Some may get stuck in anger, while others depression. I'm scared to death to hit the depression stage.

People question the Kubler-Ross model of stages of grief, especially applied to things other than death or dying, not to mention diagnosis of a chronic disease, with no cure. With my Crohn's diagnosis, I had known for months what was coming. I had had bowel issues for quite sometime, so it wasn't surprising when I was diagnosed, especially with my family history. I had months to think research and plan. With the Autoimmune Hepatitis, I feel like I was slapped in the face. I had been told about a year ago that I had mild Nonalcholic Steatohepatitis, but that it wasn't off too much concern. This past April, when I was having gallbladder issues, I was told that my liver problems were due to my gallbladder not functioning and that after surgery, my liver would normalize.

Much to my surprise, instead of my liver healing, I went into acute liver failure. I was told that I had a disease, that left untreated, 90% of patients die within the first year. A disease that, 60-70% of patients will require liver transplant within 10 years of diagnosis. I know these are just statistics. I have an advanced degree in the study of diseases, and calculate attack rates, case fatality rates, odds ratios and biostatistics daily. Adding in Crohn's, I'm at a much greater risk of complications, and frankly, death. Does it scare me? Absolutely. Will it stop my life? No, it won't stop my life. It will take time, and maybe a decent amount of it, to cycle through all five stages of grief. I will try my best.